We do it everyday, to ourselves and to other people – we pile on the “shoulds”. “I should get that project done”, “He shouldn’t be doing that”, “We should have more in savings”. 
Sometimes we say them out loud and sometimes they run through our heads.
The way you think about things has a direct impact on the way you feel. A “should” statement is a criticism and it has the ability to make you feel stressed, judged, anxious, sad or angry. The not-so-cool part about these thoughts is that they are sneaky. They tend to be a pattern of thought that is learned early on and become so natural that you don’t even recognize they are happening. The cool part is that you can learn to change it.
A “should” statement can also come in the form of a “must”, “have to”, “ought to” and “shouldn’t”. In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy we call these distorted thoughts. The downside to distorted thoughts is that they tend to cause us to feel intense emotions that are not really accurate to the situation – because we have used distorted thought patterns while thinking about them. Clear? Maybe not quite – here’s my own recent personal example.
I am in the process of making a few super exciting changes in my business…. new services and programs, new blogging formats and so on. While I love it, it has come with a list of “to do’s” that is literally never ending. A couple of days ago I was driving and running through my to do list in my head. My thoughts went like this, “oh yeah, I need to get that out today (direct feeling of stress in my body), I mean I should get that out (still feeling stress in my body), I mean I could get that out today (lessening of stress)”. In all reality, I either could or could not have sent it out – each choice comes with a consequence – one being better than the other, but I still have the CHOICE of whether I sent it out or not”.
Because I have worked with my own therapist for stress and anxiety, using cognitive behavioral therapy, I have been using these skills for over five years. I still have old thought patterns that come up, but I am very quick to challenge them to something more rational. Now my body doesn’t have to feel the high level of stress that often comes with distorted thoughts. The above example happened in my mind within two seconds. The result for me is less stressful thought and less stress experienced in my body – Yay! You can learn this great skill as well.
I invite you to start paying attention to whenever you hear, or think, the word “Should” and replace it with “Could” and see how your body and your relationships start to change:)
Let me know how this is going for you in the comments below.
Much Love,
Charlene
oxox