I have a friend who listens with her mouth. Yeah, think about that. When our conversations get heated (in the good debate kind of way) she stops listening with her ears. I can see that the entire time I am speaking, her mouth is open and she is thinking about what she wants to say next. She doesn’t hear a word I say. I love her to bits so I openly call her on it and we laugh.
For most people this would cause stress and have a negative impact on the relationship. One of the really common stress management techniques that I teach people (Click Here to See My Services) is how to communicate better.
How good are your listening skills? Could you repeat back to your friends/colleague/partner what he or she just said and communicate that you understand (not necessary agree with) them? No worries if you don’t, because you’re about to learn how to.
And just a side note, my job as a therapist is pretty much being a professional communicator, and when I’m in my therapist chair I do it brilliantly. Outside the chair, as a regular person, I struggle as well. We can always work to improve our communication skills for stress management.
Here are three listening skills you can start to use immediately, originally written by David Burns;
1) Inquiry – ask some more questions about what the other person is thinking and feeling. You can say something like, “Tell me a little bit more about that”, “I’m not sure that I fully understand, can you tell me more?” or my favorite “How do you feel about that” – such a therapist:)
2) Empathy – a great skill to develop. Empathy means to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and try to see the world through their eyes. You can do this by either paraphrasing what the other person has said, “Let me make sure I understand this, you mean……” or you can acknowledge how they may be feeling and check in “I can imagine you’re feeling…..”
3) The Disarming Technique – this is when you try to find some truth in what the other person is saying, even if it seems unreasonable or unfair. Is there any objective evidence of truth in what they are saying? A good way to do this is to imagine you had to argue their perspective, come up with all the reasons it makes sense.
By using these three listening skills you will have better communication, deepen your relationships with your loved ones and just might avoid undue stress and anxiety caused by miscommunication. This skill set can be a great addition to your stress management toolbox.
Your stress-less mission is to try out each of these skills once in the next week and do at least one of them today. Come back and let me know how it goes in the comments!
Want a free stress assessment? click here
Cheers,
Charlene