Learning how to set boundaries can literally change your life.
I’ve seen it happen over and over again. People I work with get clear on what they want, they learn how to express their needs in an assertive way and then they develop the confidence to keep the boundary set.
And Poof – they see positive changes in how they feel, how they are treated, their relationships, their health and their careers – it’s wild! It’s simple, but not easy.
Let’s talk about what a boundary is and then how to set one.
What is a boundary?
A boundary is a limit or an edge that defines you as separate from others, kinda like how a fence separates property lines, but we also have emotional, spiritual, sexual and relational boundaries.
Think of the line between what you are comfortable with and what you are not comfortable with – that’s what your boundary is.
What does a boundary do for me?
Boundaries tell you what your limit is and what is safe and appropriate for you.
Everything within your boundaries (feelings, reactions, beliefs, thoughts, special histories, goals, concerns etc.) makes up who you are as an individual.
What is comfortable for one person may not be comfortable for another.
When do boundaries change?
Boundaries vary based on who you are interacting with.
We allow different amounts of physical space between different people (partner, child, colleague, stranger).
Depending on how close we are with others, we share different levels of personal communication.
When boundaries are breached:
Often people are not aware of other people’s boundaries and will try to breach them.
A co-worker may ask a question about personal information that you are not comfortable sharing (How much do you weigh? What is your salary?).
An acquaintance may stand too close or touch your arm while they are speaking with you.
The moment you feel uncomfortable, your boundary has been breached.
Setting Your Boundaries:
You need to know what you are comfortable with in order to enforce your boundaries.
You can spend time thinking about your identity, values, goals, desires and concerns so that you know what you are comfortable with.
By honoring yourself and enforcing your boundaries you ensure that you are keeping yourself safe and healthy.
It may be easier for you to learn how to set boundaries with certain friends before others – start with less emotionally intense situations.
Seeing Boundaries:
Spend some time watching other people’s boundaries – how close do people stand? Does one person move away when another gets too close? How much space do people give when passing each other?
What kind of remarks do you hear at work – are they appropriate for co-workers and how does the receiver handle these comments/questions? Watch your children, how do they protect their privacy?
Does your spouse communicate important needs and feelings?
Now it’s your turn…
Once you know what you are comfortable with, it is time to start setting that boundary.
Let’s say that you have a friend that always “drops by” for coffee on the weekends. In the beginning you may have liked that she wanted to spend time together and took the initiative, however, now it’s starting to take too much of your personal time. Here is an example of how to set boundaries.
When setting a boundary, you want to:
1) Let the person know that you understand where they are coming from.
2) You then want to state how you are being impacted or what your current situation is.
3) After that you want to end with a statement about what you would like to see happen.
Here’s an example; “Hey Lisa, it’s great to see you again, our chats are so nice. I wish we could get together right now, however, I’m just about to head out to get some of my errands done and I’m on a bit of a tight schedule. Sorry you can’t stay after coming all this way. Maybe next time you could let me know in advance and then we could make plans that work for both of us?”
If you’re struggling to say “No” to people, you can download my free eBook The Art of Saying No With Grace and Respect.It’s all about learning how to say “No” and how to set boundaries in a way that is respectful and comfortable for you.
If you’ve had success setting a boundary, I’d love to hear how you did it in the comments below!
If you think someone else may benefit from this, give it a shout out on twitter or facebook.
Much love,
Charlene
oxox