The average adult has between 14,000 and 40,000 thoughts per day.
Most of these are stories we tell ourselves over and over again. They could be stories about how our days will go at work, how our relationships are going, what isn’t working or what we are unhappy about.
Often we have stories about what type of person we are – good, bad or indifferent.
Back in 2007, when I developed my panic disorder from my fear of flying, I decided it was time to work through my fear of flying phobia.
It went through some intense cognitive behavioural therapy with a group of other fearful flyers. What I found often coming up was my “I don’t fly” story, my “I’m not a flier” identity. This was something that I held on to for over 25 years. I simply was not a person who flew. EVER.
Now here I was, with a group of strangers in Minneapolis, Minnesota, preparing to board a plane for the first time in my adult life.
I remember the night before the flight as if it were yesterday. I had already spent 1.5 days working on strategies to work with my thoughts and ways to calm my body. I walked to my hotel room that evening still not sure I would actually get on the airplane the next day.
That evening I began to think about my identity and how getting on an airplane the next day would change who I was. I would become a person who flies. A person who can hop on a plane for a vacation, or work opportunity, at any given time. It was so foreign from my previous identity that I almost laughed.
I was in my room and I said to myself, out loud, “I fly”. It felt SO weird. I played around with this language some more and as a nerdy therapist I was amused by the process of change that was happening in my brain.
I was changing my thought patterns. I was changing my core beliefs about myself. I went to bed, still unsure if I would actually get on the flight, but I knew something in me had shifted.
The next day I did get on the plane and I did fly. I officially became a person “who flies”. I had changed my identity. I changed my story. I let go of my “I don’t fly” story and identity. I got flexible with my thoughts and feelings and changed them to aligned with who I truly felt I was.
That year I took 38 flights and I’ve been enjoying the benefits of flying ever since.
Now I want you to think about the stories you tell yourself. The identity you created for yourself. It is an identity you’ve held on to since childhood and you don’t feel like it will ever change. Is it a story or identity you developed after being in an unhealthy/unsupportive relationship?
Here are some stories/identities I help clients let go of…
- I have to take care of them before I take care of me
- Who am I to take time for myself or to treat myself (the inner story is “I don’t deserve”)
- When I finish —— I will ——
- I could go to yoga, or I could curl up on the couch with chips and netflix.
- I don’t run – I’m not a runner.
- I can’t do that. My body can’t do that.
- I’m not a good parent – I made so many mistakes.
- I”m not a good person – I did bad things.
- I didn’t do as much as I could – I don’t deserve to feel okay.
- I can’t leave this relationship. I’m stuck here until the kids are out of the house.
- Even though this job is killing me, I can’t leave it.
- I’m not smart enough to go back to school.
- I’m too old.
- I’m too fat.
- I can’t….
Which story (or identity) causes you to feel stuck or prevents you from moving toward the identity you want and the person you want to be?
Once you are aware of this story, watch for it. See how often it comes up and holds you back.
Begin to play with that story. What if that story wasn’t true? What would you be doing differently?
What new story would you like to see take the place of that old story?
Today is the day you retire one of your stories. It will come back, have no doubt, but today is the day you decided to release that story.
Each time it comes back, say thank you, but no thanks, I have a new story now. And act as though your new story is true, because it is.
Overtime your new story will fit like a glove and your old story will be a memory of how far you’ve come…. like me…. who is a frequent flier now!!
Peace out!
Char
PS… if you want to share what story you are letting go of, come on over to my Facebook Page and let me know!