The Question
Sara writes:
“I’ve had the worst day at work today, people can be so rude and negative and its hard not to let it all stress me out on top of my workload. I only have two months left until I am on maternity leave and it would better for me financially if I could make it to my end date instead of going on sick leave.
I know my midwife will probably suggest I leave because the stress is not good for me or the baby. I practiced hypnobirthing with my first child and have those techniques to try at work to relax. I’m wondering if you have any other tips or resources to try to relax while working in a stressful environment. I’ll try anything.”
Thanks for your question Sara. You’re right that it’s important to reduce your stress levels to keep you and your baby healthy and safe.
Good for you for recognizing that you can’t change other people, you can only change your response and how you handle your emotions.
The Answer:
There are a couple of strategies to considering in a situation like yours.
The first strategy is to learn how to get your body calm in the midst of all the negativity. The second strategy is to learn how to bring awareness to the thoughts and stories your mind engages in that keeps the negativity going. I’m going to tell you how to do both.
The first thing you need to do is recognize exactly when you’re stress response goes off and how to calm it down with the relaxation response. I wrote a full post called Stress and Your Body that you can check out, so I won’t review it all again.
The second thing that can be helpful is to start to bring awareness to the thoughts and stories your mind engages in as a result of other people’s actions/comments.
Our minds are constantly in storytelling mode, making judgements about whether things are good or bad. These stories go on and on and just end up making us more stressed or angry (or whatever emotion is coming up).
Let me give you an example that is mostly real, some parts changed for confidentiality. In a previous life (or in 2001) I was a legal assistant for a few lawyers.
I walked into the office and one lawyer said, “Have you found that file I asked you for yesterday”? Perhaps her tone was a little rude, perhaps I was just hearing it that way because I feel like her question was a bit of an attack and we had a history of this happening.
Here is how I responded. “Yes, I put it in your office yesterday afternoon with the other files you requested.” I went to her office and moved her other files to show her where I placed said file. I returned to my desk. In a perfect world, this would have been the end of the situation.
In my real world (pre-mindfulness), this is how my mind responded for the next 15 minutes, until I felt stress and anger pounding through my body.
My mind, “If she just cleaned up her office maybe she would be able to find what she needs. Like I have the time to keep going in there and finding stuff for her. And her tone, as if it’s my fault she’s so disorganized. I’m not the one who piles things up and is constantly scattered. Maybe she should stop spending time surfing the web for recipes and instead do her work. Ugh, I hate my job…” And on and on my mind would go until something else distracted me.
The second strategy is to start to look for the stories your mind is engaging in, just like my example. These stories are not helpful. They will keep you suffering, both emotionally and physically. As soon as you notice you are in storytelling mode, label it as “story” and let it go, just like a cloud passing by. Return your focus to your breath. In the Stress and Your Body post I teach a 3-6 breathing strategy that you can focus on.
Don’t let the people around you slime you with their negative emotions. Use your hypnobirthing and mindfulness skills to return to the present moment and let go of the stories and stress. Maybe even spend a few moments visualizing happy times, like when you will be home with your new baby and whole family. You and your baby deserve to be calm and happy.
I would love to know what other people do to stay calm when surrounded by negative people, please leave a comment and share your strategies!
Charlene