This week I facilitated a workshop for a group of women in the helping profession. One of the topics we discussed was self-care and stress management. We began to talk about what prevent us from engaging in the stress management techniques that we know work for us. I always ask the questions “Is self-care selfish?” and this leads to what is really behind our lack of self-care… we feel it can be selfish to take time, money, energy for our own needs.
I hear this all the time from my clients. At the cognitive level they know self-care is not selfish. At the emotional level they say they feel selfish for taking time to care for themselves. Women are often the primary caregivers of children (not always, I know some very involved fathers, but often) so personal stress management gets push asides to take care of others.
When I ask people what happens when they think about self-care, I almost always hear the word “guilt”. Women feel guilty for taking time for themselves. They feel guilty when they think of their partner taking care of the children and they feel guilty when they spend money on themselves.
Another reason that women don’t take more time for self-care is that when they do take time for themselves, and let their partner provide primary care, their children begin to turn to their partner for their needs. This can feel like their children are pulling away or are angry at them. So they stop engaging in self-care for stress management and return to spending their time with their children.
If this sounds like you, there are a couple of questions you can ask yourself that might help.
1. “How does your spouse/child/family/staff/colleague benefit when you take more time for yourself?” When you take care of yourself do you communicate/interact/engage/perform differently? I bet you do, most people do. Taking time for self-care and stress management will actually benefit the people in your life. There is a reason why the attendants on airplanes say that in a case of emergency, put the air mask on yourself before your child. You take better care of others when your needs are met.
2. “What is the benefit of your child connecting more with their other caregiver?” While struggling with the guilt of your child “pulling away” when they to their other caregiver, think about what you can celebrate about that (better relationship between the two) and focus on that when your guilt starts to come up.
If you’re struggling with the emotions that come up, it can be helpful to connect with a therapist to work through these emotions so you can feel good about self-care for your own stress management.
Do you, or have you, struggled with taking time for yourself? If so, what strategies help you feel good about self-care?
Cheers,
Charlene
oxox