I regularly work with women who are struggling with their own self care, anxiety, stress, health and so on. What I often do with people is help them to recognize what is theirs to “own” and what is not theirs to “own”.
I find that many women tend to feel responsible for the feelings, wellbeing and outcomes of others – usually their loved ones. And I understand why – they love them and want what’s best for them. Having said that, I work with many amazing women who are neglecting their own wellness because they are focusing on others.
When we take responsibility for someone elses’ outcome (happiness, relationship, work situation, finances, feelings, health etc.) we are fighting an uphill battle. Why you ask? Because we only have power and control over OURSELVES. We do not have control and power over anyone else (minor children are the exception – you really are responsibility for them – it’s kinda the law). Back to my point… if we pause and look at where our energy is going, either into what we have direct control over (which are our own thoughts, feeling and actions) or where we don’t have direct control (which are the thoughts, feelings an actions of others) we can start to make changes. We are ALL POWERFUL for ourselves…. We are not that powerful over others (unless you are Glenda the good witch:).
Now I’m not saying that you just stop caring about your loved ones entirely, I’m saying it can be more helpful to set boundaries and support them in achieving their goals themselves. When you do something for someone you take away an opportunity for them to increase their own personal skills and to feel empowered by doing so. At the same time – by focusing more of your energy on what you do have control over (yourself) you are in a healthier and more energized position to then stand next to, and support your loved one as they make change, without feeling the stress, or guilt, or whatever it is you are feeling, as you try to achieve the outcome for them.
So the next time you notice yourself putting in effort to achieve someone else’s health, job opportunity, apartment search, homework, finances, relationship problems and so on – pause and remind yourself “I am not that powerful – they have the power and they can achieve this…. how might I support them?” Support them – Empower them!
Let me know in the comments below, does any of this ring true for you? Do you “own” what is yours or do you “own” other people’s struggles?